True Self May 4, 2012
One thing I really struggled in the past was figuring out and finding myself. Not just myself, but my true self. The one that is just dying to become uncovered, yet underneath many layers, could not shine through.
I had to read Jacob Have I Loved, a book for school (And no it is not a romance novel about a guy named Jacob). It was about a young girl named Louise, who throughout the book was struggling to find herself in the world around her. While I was reading this book, I felt like I could really relate with Louise and I believe many young women can as well. When you hit high school you’re one step away from adulthood and that can be bit scary. Figuring yourself out and being true to yourself is something we need to do as teenagers, but is hard. A junior in high school, I was the same way. I held that uncertainty in my heart, but I no longer do.
Since fourth grade, I had the same group of friends which all went to my church. Friends came and went, but the majority stayed with me up to high school. I was never considered “pretty” as I didn’t have straight teeth nor was I skinny. I also had glasses up till 7-8th grade and that same time I had braces. I was a dorky type of kid. I was considered very smart and I am 99.9% sure they were only really my friends because I was smart and I was very athletic and good in sports. Sad, but true.
When I became a sophomore things changed between my friends and I. I no longer felt good enough and I sunk into a deep dark hole of worthlessness. I dreaded going to be with any of them because I no longer trusted most of them. I felt horrible around them, but I hung out with them because I felt like I deserve to be treated and to feel that way. I kept on and didn’t say anything to anyone. I just pasted on this fake smile and tried to be who I felt they wanted me to be. I tried to dress the way they wanted me to, act, and think the same way. But I simply couldn’t. I honestly could not be who they wanted me to be.
Junior year continued on the same way. Over the summer, things got worse, and eventually I cut myself off from my friends. I couldn’t keep living a lie. Saying everything was okay, but they weren’t. Before I switched churches, I had people ask about how I was doing. I lied. I said I was fine. I could not be real with my friends. They were so perfect and holy and I was like a pen that didn’t belong in an all pencil box. No matter how hard I tried to be a pencil, I knew I was a pen on the inside. By staying I knew I was not being true to myself. So I left.
I switched churches, got new friends, and I felt like I could be myself. I didn’t have to pretend to be a pencil. I could be a pen and that feeling is priceless. I still have a tendency to keep things to myself, but I finally have embraced who I really am. I realized that my “friends” were holding me back from who I really was.
You don’t have to pretend to be someone you’re not. You can be yourself. If there is something in your life that is holding you back, get rid of it and never look back. That’s what I did and I don’t regret it and you won’t either. Don’t let other people tell you who you should be. You decide. In this day in age, it’s hard to be your true self, but it is possible. I was really uncertain of who I was and just like Louise in the end of the book, I was able to find my true self by simply making a change.
I encourage you to be true to your true self. It’s dying to come out and to be able to shine.